struggling

I just found out that a friend of mine has been dealing with cancer for the past 4.5 months and I didn't know about it because I've barely been on Facebook since August.  I last saw her in late June for her 30th birthday.  I'm really struggling to figure out my feelings right now.

So many feels.





I still drive by her old house every time I go visit my parents.

.
.
.

verge

Annnnnnnd today my boss was on the verge of tears.

Sigh.

It was actually a better day today, though.

We are a team with a vision.

.

ugh

cried at work today.

it figures that the earliest day I left work since starting this new job (an accomplishment I was very happy with yesterday) would be followed by the latest day I've stayed at work so far.

I'm finally available to do something fun this Saturday but no one else is free.  MusicMan was supposed to be off but now has to work.  Everyone else I need a hug from is out of town or too far away.

once again, we're not going to have any time to get a christmas tree or lights this year.  i really thought this would be the year.

at least I got paid today...

ugh.  

54 / 5.5

Number of hours worked during the first week at my new job. / Average amount of sleep per night.

quote of the day

"I want to get married, not buried.."

turning point

"Relax, dress professionally, and be on time."




! 

eight years - an excerpt

Eight years of unpacking 

both real and of the mind 

The things we brought with us

and the new things we find

.

send me all your vampires

Children love to sing

but then their voices slowly fade away 

People always take a step away from 

what is true... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Broke out some old CDs today.  Don't think I'll ever get tired of this album: 

amazon

Oh, late 90s music, I have missed you..!  

heal

pep

You can do it.



You are competent.



You are beautiful.



You are not unlovable.



You are worthy.

hurt

Going to bed angry, and sad... then waking up the next morning to dreams in which I am upset and yelling at people... sucks.

: (

dressed in raspberry lemon

Just made my first salad dressing inspired by 80/10/10!  I've been meaning to explore this for the past year.  Will have to come up with some other flavors, too.... probably one using oranges... and one with grape tomatoes & basil...

Raspberry-Lemon Dressing:
~1 cup raspberries
2 stalks celery
1/2 lemon, freshly squeezed

That's it!  So simple.  Blend together = about 10oz dressing.  Fat-free & delicious, y'all!

Singing along to this album made my salad-for-dinner prep extra-enjoyable tonight.

Palette:

via 1 & 2

via

via

via

via

via

via

via

via

all one

Was just reading the history of Dr. Bronner and his magic soap.  Check out this reggae number from 1986.

spruce

Nothing heals quite like a phone call with Mama.  I know I will miss them terribly, some day.

one

The past several days have continuously surprised me with 1s.  The first day it happened, I think, was in my kitchen - I happened to look at the time on the oven.  It read 11:11.  I don't know why or exactly where this action originated, but at some point in my younger days it became a custom to kiss my finger to my lips, place it on the time display, and make a wish -- but only whenever it reads all 1s.  Well later that same day, after finishing whatever I was doing while paying no attention to the time, I walked back to the kitchen (hadn't been since) and noticed that the clock now read 1:11.  Since then, it has happened in some form just about every day, sometimes twice a day.  Catching me by surprise in moments where I was not thinking about numbers at all, not wondering if it might happen again, not looking for such a reoccurrence.  In the kitchen at another family's house while I was babysitting -- 1:11.  Happened to look at my odometer while driving to the grocery store: 1.11 miles.  There have been a few other instances that I cannot recall at the moment.  I've considered writing this post several times lately, but eventually shrug it off.

This morning I finally decided to check out my cousin's business page on Facebook, which has existed for over a year.  I was so tired that I chose to mindlessly yet thoroughly click through all posts and photos back to the beginning.  Clicked on a link to his fundraising page for a bike ride he did, and his goal was $1,111!  Tonight I am going through some of my iTunes library to decide if I can delete any songs, or at least rate them and add to playlists so it's a little more organized.  I opened up the column browser, which I pretty much never ever use, and scrolled down to the R&B section to see what was in there.  Listened to Al Green's greatest hits and was halfway through the best of Aretha Franklin when I saw the bottom of my iTunes window: 199 items, 10.8 hours, 1.11 GB.

What does it mean???

It is ever-present, following me.

I feel like it is the universe reminding me of its wonder, telling me, "The time is now."  Spurring me into action.  Time to make your wishes come true.

I'm also anxious that it's some sign meaning my days are numbered.

But really, both of the above are always true.  I don't need happenstance to tell me that.

Double rainbow all the way... 

if not now, when

Though thick clouds persist, the full moon does exist.

plus two

I am so excited.  In just a couple weeks, the two cats that live with Musicman's parents will get to come stay with us for a whole month!!  Our landlord said it was not a problem -- didn't even ask for specific dates or any kind of pet deposit.  I'm sure Jet & Jasmine will thoroughly enjoy watching the bunnies and baby mockingbirds in our backyard.  We just hope they stay out of the turtle tanks..

Yay, kitties are coming :)

reception!

I just had a 38-minute conversation.  On my cell phone.  At my house -- for the first time in six months!  This is super exciting because I have not been able to use my phone from home ever since we moved back in November!!  I've had terrible service in this house and generally in this neighborhood.  AT&T said I should try using a new SIM card (my old one still said Cingular on it and was probably from my first phone back around 2000..), but that somehow locked me out of the phone I had been using (grrr), so then I tried Musicman and his mom's old phones, but nothing changed.  It was pretty ridiculous for awhile.  Sometimes when I answered the phone we could get a few words in before the connection got crackly, and I'd try to fit in "I'll email you!", which became the main method of correspondence for me.  Eventually I signed up for a service where I can call other people's phones from my Skype account on my laptop, and it links to my number so it looks to them like I'm calling from my cell phone.  The $3/month is bearable, but I figured a long-term solution would involve me eventually getting a new phone.  I didn't want to pay more for the ability to have incoming calls routed to my Skype account so I could actually answer them from my computer as well.  So I haven't been answering my phone at home; I would just open Skype and call them right back.

Tonight, someone called and I decided to answer it for the first time in quite awhile.  I figured I would have a couple seconds to say "let me call you right back" before losing connection, but... it never happened.  Stayed crisp and clear, even when I experimented with walking around the house, which I was sure would drop the call.  Usually the signal bars fluctuate a lot while moving around, rarely staying above two bars.

I'm not sure what changed, but I really hope this sticks, and isn't just a tease!  

climb the tower

this -- from up there

today's horoscope

"You need to take care of your own business and try not to worry about anyone else right now -- in fact, it may be best for you to just take the day off! Your energy is best spent on quieter pursuits." 

surprise visits

Favorite moment from our day of yard work:
     Music man crouched down in front of me to trim a particularly thick bush-branch that I was unable to cut through.  A ladybug suddenly zipped by and landed on his hat.  A couple seconds later, a monarch butterfly flitted right between us, letting me admire it before flying away over the roof.  I turned back, and the ladybug was gone.

Perhaps they were playing tag, or hide-and-seek.. just enjoying the breezy sunshine together.  Celebrating warmth after the record-low temperatures this morning.  A gleeful Ladybug and carefree Butterfly.

Our animated neighbor from across the street, Juan, also stopped by unexpectedly, ringing the doorbell at 8:30pm with two plates full of leftovers from his wife's baby shower.  "You know Latin people, they always bring so much food!"  

perspective

Today marked five years since a close friend's last chemotherapy treatment.  One and a half months younger than I am, she has yet to enter her 30th year.

A close family friend, around my mother's age, begins her own cancer treatment this week.

(source)

four

Four years ago today, this wee little guy appeared in our driveway.

[pics from April 24-May 16, 2009] 

Happy Birthday, Junebug :)

goodness

I make smoothies almost every day.  A pitcher-full of thick, slurp-able goodness.  Oftentimes they are aesthetically unappealing, a dark greenish-brown concoction.  I get most excited when they turn out a surprisingly bright green, or dark red, or even orange.  I think each one is beautiful.  I am aware of the life-giving elements whirled together in its creation.  They are always delicious, except for that one time MusicMan thought it would be fine to throw some tomatoes in.  Today I started adding fresh-squeezed lemon juice.

The cool smoothness is enjoyable, but sometimes I just need to crunch and munch.  Last night I finished off the banana chips.  Today I was rummaging the pantry again.  In between and after my two pints of goodness today, munchies have consisted of: grape tomatoes, roasted macadamia nuts, dark chocolate, mini Altoids, blue corn chips, microwave popcorn.  Now I only have one mini-bag left, then I can start using my Whirley Pop.  Had TJ's crescent rolls for lunch, filled with pepperoni leftover from pizza party night, jalapeno, mozzarella & diced mushrooms.  My stomach doesn't quite know how to handle today's hodge-podge.  I was supposed to sauté the rest of the mushrooms tonight, with garlic and spinach.  Perhaps I will be less crunch-craving tomorrow.  

unfinished

The last few weeks have felt very disjointed.  I seem to be going from one thing to another without achieving any sense of completion.  I have felt rather fragmented and need to gather myself back together.  I do notice that my best days are those following a night of enough rest, and I should really accept and remember how important that is.  Last night I spent some time reading in bed, got almost eight hours of sleep and actually felt like starting my day with some physical activity this morning (and did so).  What a welcome change of pace.  It is a powerful thing to reach a place of feeling most like myself and the me I want to be.  I wish to achieve and maintain that.  I wish this for everyone.  What strength we would all have!  

In other news, a week or two ago, I found a blog that I was inspired to follow called Our Freaking Budget.  Have fun exploring the tabbed sections along the top of the page.  I find Joanna & Johnny to be relatable, genuine and funny, and couldn't help but overindulge myself in all of their enjoyable stories when I first happened across them.  Another blog to check out: Neon Fresh.  Roo is quite entertaining.  And I appreciated her recent post about turning 30.  

A quote: 

"I am.. a firm believer in disruptive change as a positive force. ... When you tear up your life, it forces you 

to embrace the idea that you can become someone better than who you used to be."  

-- from Michelle's post on Remodelista

Also, watch this.

nutty

I was stuck in barely-crawling traffic, starving, hoping to make it home in time for World News with Diane Sawyer, wishing I'd gotten my granola bar out of my bag before tossing it in the now unreachable trunk, when my eyes fell upon a sticker on the truck in front of me.  It stated, "Nuttier than a squirrel's turd."  I scrunched up my nose, which made me think of the Grey Squirrel song from Girl Scout days.  At least I didn't feel so hungry anymore.  I'll have to pass the phrase along to Music Man; I'm sure he'll enjoy incorporating it into conversation somehow.

I marveled at how many people live out on the northwest side of town, "so far away".  The long, curving exit ramp that takes me to 290 was backed up immediately upon exiting the Beltway, and the next seven miles until home can take 30 minutes (that's a fun 14mph average).  Sure enough, a half hour later I had finally escaped from the highway.  After sitting in line at the light for a minute or so, I noticed it right there in front of me: the Nutty Truck, again.

I am just now remembering how I was almost in an accident when my journey home first began, and that was before I had even made it onto the highway.  There were two left turn lanes, of which I was in the right lane, where one can either turn left or go straight.  As I was turning, the car to my left apparently wanted to go straight, and almost rammed into my side.  We'd been moving slowly enough that I wasn't sure if there had been any impact or not.  We both pulled over to check it out, and thankfully it was fine.  She said, "I don't think you were supposed to turn left."  Actually, she wasn't supposed to go straight from a left-turn only lane.  Ah well, that was just the beginning of a nutty ride home.


On another note, today I am considering myself a savvy shopper.  I got a nice pair of pants and a soft drapey t-shirt for only $23.70 total -- less than the full price of the shirt alone.

Almost as good as the $26 I saved on these shoes a few days ago:

Today's thunderstorm is finally blowing through right now.  I was expecting it all day, but am glad it waited out the evening commute.  There was a decent downpour on Easter Sunday afternoon, too, and I realized how much I had missed the sound of splattering rain and thunder's endless rumbling & roaring.

milestone

First House Party :)

Temecula

Visit an old friend at his winery, meet Quentin Tarantino, attend a local Al Anon meeting.  A day in the life of my parents on vacation.

Music man wishes they could have told him how much he loved Iron Monkey.

11:18

It's 11:18pm and I am officially ringing in my 30s.  I'm so old I jammed out to this on my record player today!  ;)  It was fabulous.

thirty

Hearing myself say that today is the very last day of my 20s... is quite strange.

Perhaps the new number won't feel so foreign when I wake up tomorrow.  I have until 11:18pm...

half

Happy Half Birthday to my music man,
who loves angel food cake without any toppings,
and is not 285 years old.





(this was already 2 weeks + 1 day ago.. sheesh time flies)

bzzz

Today marks five weeks of no coffee!  

A Promise

Begin

Begin again to the summoning birds

to the sight of light at the window,

begin to the roar of morning traffic

all along Pembroke Road.

Every beginning is a promise

born in light and dying in dark

determination and exaltation of springtime

flowering the way to work.

Begin to the pageant of queuing girls

the arrogant loneliness of swans in the canal

bridges linking the past and future

old friends passing though with us still.

Begin to the loneliness that cannot end

since it perhaps is what makes us begin,

begin to wonder at unknown faces

at crying birds in the sudden rain

at branches stark in the willing sunlight

at seagulls foraging for bread

at couples sharing a sunny secret

alone together while making good.

Though we live in a world that dreams of ending

that always seems about to give in

something that will not acknowledge conclusion

insists that we forever begin.

- Brendan Kennelly